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Noticed at the bottom of the IMDB home page when looking up On The Buses, the Movie/TV Quote of the Day:

HARRY

Never try to save my life again.

First time I've ever known one of these, I think ...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com

'Dobby!' Harry screamed as his wand exploded in his hand, showering him with splinters of fire. 'I need your help! Now!'

Dobby shook his head, tears coursing down his face. 'Dobby cannot be helping Harry Potter, sir. Harry Potter is telling Dobby never to save his life again. Dobby is a good house-elf. Dobby is doing as he is being told!'

Voldemort smiled.

--

Book Seven. By me. (It's shorter than the others.)

From:

octobersnow.livejournal.com

*snigger* Thanks I needed a laugh. You are very good at House-Elf speak, btw.

From:

snorkackcatcher

Harry swore loudly. Time for plan B.

“Kreacher!”

A small figure appeared. “What is Master wanting?” Harry was sure he could hear the words “blood-traitor brat” being muttered, but now wasn’t the time.

“Help me kill Voldemort!”

The elf whimpered. “Kreacher must help Master defeat the Dark Lord and be letting the Mudbloods and blood-traitors into power? Whatever would Mistress think?”

“I couldn’t care less, JUST DO IT!” yelled Harry as Voldemort raised his wand. With a look of pure loathing, Kreacher snapped his fingers and the wand flew into the air for Harry to catch.

Harry smiled ...

From:

lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com

'Plan B, eh? Impressive,' Voldemort hissed. 'Where's a deus ex machina when you need one? Regulus, come here. Bring me that bloody wand.'

'Certainly, my Lord.' Regulus appeared, snapping his fingers. 'Kreacher, fetch!'

Kreacher scampered in delight. 'Yes, Master! Proper Master has returned, not the filthy half-blood! Master shall have the wand!' Leaping high into the air, he intercepted the wand and shot Harry a baleful look.

Regulus glanced at Harry. 'We can discuss the finer points of inheritance law later,' he said, and tossed the wand to Voldemort.

'If there is a later,' Harry muttered. 'I thought you were-'

'Dead? On your side?' Regulus smiled...

From:

snorkackcatcher

"You always were an idiot, Reg."

They turned to see the tall, dark-haired figure who'd just appeared behind them He plucked the wand from a shocked Voldemort's pale fingers and strolled insouciantly over to Harry, whose jaw dropped.

"Sirius? I thought you were ..."

"Dead? On your side? Well, one out of two's not bad, but I bet Hermione could have done better. Didn't she tell you, the Veil's a funny thing? I always said I'll only be truly gone when you no longer have need of me."

"No you didn't, that was Dumbledore," argued Harry.

"Oh whatever. They'll change it when they make the film anyway. Are you complaining?"

"Fair point. Now what?"

"Well, you might find a use for this." He handed Harry the wand. "But first -- oy you! Kreacher!"

"What is Master wanting?" said the elf through gritted teeth.

"I'm ordering you to help Harry fight Ol' Red Eyes here." Sirius smiled ...

From:

lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com

'Still causing trouble, Black?' said a soft voice behind them. 'You always were a worthless, troublemaking cur. Put down that wand, Potter, before you hurt someone with it.'

'Snape!' Harry shouted. He raised his wand. 'I'm going to-'

'Be quiet.' Snape flicked his hand and Harry's wand flew from his hand. 'Do you think for a moment that you understand any of this? Anything at all?'

'I know you murdered Professor Dumbledore,' Harry said quietly.

Snape's gaze did not waver. 'Precisely my point. Dumbledore was an optimist and a fool. And as for you, Black - ' He gestured, and a sheet of black fabric appeared, stretched cross an invisble frame. It seemed to tremble, although there was no breeze '- I'm afraid it's curtains for you.'

Snape smiled...

From:

snorkackcatcher

"I should kill you for that joke alone," snarled Harry.

"NO, HARRY, WAIT!" screamed a girl's voice. Hermione and Ron stepped out from behind a piece of scenery, where they had been waiting patiently until required by the plot.

"You don't need a wand, mate!" said Ron.

"Harry, remember the prophecy!" cried Hermione.

Harry stared at them all for a moment, and then suddenly it dawned on him. As Sirius transformed into a dog and bit his brother on the ankle, and Dobby and Kreacher took the opportunity to start beating each other up, he seized Voldemort's arm and, after a brief wrestling match, pushed him through the curtain, which rippled once as he disappeared.

Everyone stared at Harry.

"Well done, Potter," sneered Snape after a moment. "You are indeed fortunate that Dumbledore anticipated this moment and gave me the ability to Conjure the Veil, and that the Dark Lord saw no need to work out. Miss Granger, fifty points to Gryffindor for making even a dunderhead like Potter realise that 'either must die at the hand of the other' was meant to be taken literally."

Hermione smiled.

From:

lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com

I bow to the Master. I don't think I can go anywhere from here, so I will pause to admire:

ou are indeed fortunate that Dumbledore anticipated this moment and gave me the ability to Conjure the Veil, and that the Dark Lord saw no need to work out.

That last bit is half Sherlock Holmes and half genius.

I was going to pull a similar stunt with Ron on the next segment:

'Ron!' Harry gaped. 'Where did you spring from?'

'I've been here all the time. I just didn't have any lines.'

and I'm truly sorry not to have the opprtunity to use:

'In that case,' Harry stated, 'I'll have to use this!'

'A Time-Turner!' Ron cried. 'Where did you get that?'

Harry shrugged. 'I'll tell you later. Right now, I have absolutely no idea.'

--

From:

snorkackcatcher

I absolutely LOVE the time-turner line.

I did wonder about bringing in Winky etc, and indeed JKR herself, but *adopts Graham Chapman voice* Things Were Just Getting Silly. And it was perfectly set up to use my favourite crack theory for how Harry defeats Voldy. :)